Reflection and Resolutions

I’ve done the whole resolution thing where I’ve come up with unobtainable goals and start a fresh year off with immense, unnecessary pressure when I’m already balls-deep into my spiral of self loathing-fueled seasonal depression. I’ve resented that whole process, brushed it off as being a marketing move with a combination of gyms, athletic clothing companies, diet systems, etc. The whole thought of making you hate yourself enough to try and become something new, but reserving this renewal process to a roman calendar year…It’s. just. a lot.

Last year I had a brutal breakup right before the new year, so after the tears couldn’t further stream, I decided to create a list of things I wanted to achieve before settling down with someone – things I wanted to do, for me, for my identity and figuring myself out and becoming a complete person independently before trying to build something with someone new. I lasted a few weeks into January before I met someone else.

If you’ve followed me on various media outlets, you know how that panned out. And if you’re new, then just know: that shit didn’t stick. At all.

This year has been incredibly difficult for me, but has also allowed me opportunities and the support needed to do something I never used to do: reflect. This year had pauses for me, chances to think through why something happened instead of making it all about how awful I am and how unworthy I am of love, respect, success, and health. So while I ache thinking about the pain of 2016, I don’t feel helpless. Instead I feel ready.

(CW: lots of stock photos)


This post is to serve as a place to share some of what is inspiring and exciting me for the new year. I’m a superstitious lil femme though so I’ll omit some, but I appreciate honesty and transparency and hope to provide that for folks who take the time to read what I share.

Professional Resolutions

I’ll be completing a milestone achievement academically later on in 2017, and have been considering going on to a higher degree. But I think I’ll try to live in the present, and feel what it’s like to have successfully completed something after a decade of fighting and sacrificing and struggling.

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*So, for 2017, I am not looking to begin a higher degree program. In 2017 I will sit with my success and allow it to speak for itself. Because fuck the idea that I can never be okay exactly as I am – I have done enough. Others can get on board or suck my nards.

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*I will get a full-time, well benefited and paying job in my field. Mama deserves some insurance and PTO, hohhhhney chile.

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*I will move to a geographical area conducive to success in my field. I’ve tried making it work here for quite some time. The heartbreaks especially from 2016 have provided me an easy, justifiable out from here. Bring it on, world.

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*I will begin modeling/fashion work. This has been a dream, so this year I want to begin working with other bloggers and companies and carving out space in the plus sized world and external world.


Personal Resolutions

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Tease all you want about this, but I think *I’m going to try to meet people from MeetUp instead of dating or hookup apps. I have had an OKCupid account for…too long, and really, it’s not for me. I am an acquired taste. I am A LOT. I am absolutely not for everyone, and found myself changing and adapting and losing myself because of the various forms of feedback received from dating websites.

And before you shit on my OKC drop, just know I’ve tried them all. I’ve tried generic dating ones, paid dating ones, plus sized ones, etc. It’s not cute.

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 *I’m going to downsize my wardrobe tremendously, and start dressing how I’ve always wanted. I have an upcoming post on fashion feels, but just know it’s going to be really fucking fabulous and really, really not for everyone. SEE A THEEEEME?

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*Imma blog more, as well as start a YouTube channel. Things I’ve wanted to do but have put off for myriad reasons. Well, it’s gon change real soon because I have shit to say want to see if others are like me, from my hair to my ethnicity to my style, etc. When I started gaining more followers on social media, I got overwhelmed and then focused in on ways to continue gaining followers – instead of sticking to posting what I wanted. Don’t read into that, in no way is it dramatic or the end of the world – but I realized that when I started hesitating about posts because I was worried about community feedback, I realized it was no longer about my own enjoyment but rather about falling within systematic guidelines. I enjoy what I post and I adore those whom I’ve met through what I do, but it’s time to be more authentic, and I’m hyped.

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*Delete a fuckload of Facebook “friends.” No shade. But I have some ~issues~ and struggle with communicating with others, especially if we aren’t super well acquainted and especially if we’ve only ever communicated online. I’m going to do some self-care and set boundaries for myself, and really focus on making a space for those who support my health instead of fight it. We can interact plenty of other spaces where I can maintain healthy interaction boundaries and don’t have to emotionally exhaust myself.

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*Visit more friends; travel solo more. With many loved ones becoming more spread out around the country and the world, I want to prioritize seeing them. Looking at flights and how feasible a weekend visit would be is really comforting. And seeing as there are so many places I’d like to visit that maybe don’t have loved ones there, I want to get back to traveling more by myself. My global adventures have taken a bit of a break but with the transitions ahead, I feel confident I can get back to seeing this remarkable world.

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*Be unapologetic. This is significant, and it’s something I’ve been more mindful of and have already started. But this goes for relationships, friendships, work, my creativity, the path my life has taken, my fashion, appearance, my voice and power. The things I love. The way I laugh, the way I talk to people, my excitement, my curiosity, my obsessiveness, my mental health struggles, my intelligence, my sensitivity, my passion, my dedication, my obsessions, my fears. It’s exhausting trying to navigate life hating and resenting yourself, so I’m just going to work on stopping that nonsense. There’s nothing wrong with who I am.


This is what I’ve got so far. There are other little things, like maybe finally upgrading my phone (5+ years WHAT’S UP), losing weight (for ease of travel and vintage clothing options), and sewing way way more, but I wanted to get this out there as a starting point. I think one of the greatest things I’ve come to terms with is how important realistic goals and objectives are, so until I have mapped out ways of achieving these smaller goals, I’ll let them continue to bounce around my brain. These adjustments don’t need to start January 1st though – I’m not in any rush or on a strict timeline, per se. But with the end of the year approaching and the inevitable, unavoidable articles and posts about NEW YEAR NEW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!1!11!!!! I felt comfortable putting this post up and sharing the healthy changes I’m looking to bring to my life, starting as soon as possible.

What are some of your resolutions for 2017?

Madison, I Am IN You

I’ve been quiet and I’m not going into the reasons because really, the lack of blogging was because it hasn’t yet been engrained as a habit so I chose to use my free time in different ways than writing about things.

 

ALSO I didn’t organize the photos well so the first half is text, second is photos, but if I obsess too much I just won’t post so HERE WE GO~~

 

Quick synopsis of the last few months:

*Breakup

*Lots of jobs and conferences and speaking and emotional labor

*Hustling

*My dog is amazing

*Local friends aren’t very supportive

*Falling out of love with my geographical area

*Deciding to demand more

*Took two solo cross country trips

 

This week I’ve been in Madison for a conference where I got to present an event I had organized with a big grant and talk about the environment, diversity and inclusion, and how exclusionary the word “leader” is especially with marginalized groups trying to enter a new sector/field.

 

When I’ve mentioned this trip to people, I’m told to either try cheese curds or try frozen custard, and as a native american person who lacks the enzyme to break down lactose, it’s been a pretty gross week.

 

Cheese curds are just lumps of squeeky cheese and when you order them here they’re battered and fried. It’s disgusting.

 

Custard is just…thick ice cream. But my paternal grandfather called ice cream custard so I’m liking it simply for that reason and it makes it slightly better. But really, it’s like thick soft serve and I don’t like plain ice cream, I like Ben&Jerry’s with even mo’ shit added in. Ice cream is, to me, simply a vessel for sprinkles and chunky goodness and fudge sauce. Custard needs some help.

 

The best part of this trip has been my opportunity to meet more POC in the environmental world, and I’ve been able to share a room with one of my favorite colleagues who’s been a rock for me this year. I’ve met more femmes of color and was supported when I walked out of a workshop where a cis-het white man voiced that he was oppressed because of being…a cis-het white man. *insert eye roll*

 

I hopped on some sites where I spoke with locals and asked about good stuff to do here, and one of the recommendations was to hit up a local coffee shop chain called Colectivo. Their cups have sugar skulls on them (-) and they offer nondairy milks and vegan meats (+). The food servings are small (-) and their prices are pretty high (-) but I’ve seen a few employees who have visible disabilities and have a support worker alongside them (+) and have heard that employees here are paid and treated well (+) so all in all it’s been a good place to patronize over the week.

Outside of the event location. So much cement.

 

Capitol building is very pretty.

Unflattering picture of a fat girl shamelessly eating a large frozen custard. This picture makes me uncomfortable which is stupid so I’m forcing myself to post it because I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself.

 

I got the death by chocolate – chocolate custard, oreo, and fudge sauce. 6/10.

Fried cheese curds *gag*

 

I’M AN ADULT. Also who else uses Tinder to find mini golf dates? Just me? Cool, cool.

My kin.

thiqq bunni

 

LOOKING PERFECT IN MY KEDS N BRAIDS.

 

Diversity workshop. Doesn’t it look so…diverse?

 

A dress that was busted cuz my kitties, part 1.

Harassed the waiter to bring vegetarian trays and HE CAME THRU!!! THE REAL MVP!!

 

HONNNNGRY GURRRRRLZ

 

Some damn brass band played the chicken dance. Because Wisconsin.

 

Getting late night gross pizza at a place called Ian’s. The city is very cement-focused.

 

UUUUUGH

 

LOVE THIS DRESS EVEN THOUGH THESE FUN BAGS SNAPPED THE STRAPS CLEAN OFF. Sewing skills to the rescue.

Milkshake that wasn’t too good but whatever.

I LOVE RUSTY ART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Slide of an Audre Lorde quote – clearly in the right room.

 

FEMMES OF COLOR TO THE MOTHER FUCKING FRONT

GETTING THANGS STURRTED

Favorite picture obvs

Apparently there were some huggers in the room.

Picture of the location. It’s cuter than it seems…I promise. Kind of.

WE ARE A PART OF THE GINGER BABY NATION

Latte art is always meant to be appreciated.

The capitol was really the main thing to see.

I’m a big fan of marquee letters.

BITCH I’M CUTE

thiqqqqqq. also these boots are from torrid via ebay. they are 7/10 – wish they stayed up better and had better soles and heels but they’re good for shorter amounts of time.

MAD MARBLE

SWANK

I absolutely lied on the floor and looked up to get this picture. 2 cops saw up my dress and errthang. hashbrown ya welcome, copperz

veggie sawsudge and a dark chocolate mocha

GUESS WHAT THIS IS

Trying out tying a denim shirt as a midpoint between a cardigan and denim jacket. It’s cute.

SOLO POOL TIME YAAAAAAAAAAAS

fuck

they 2 classy 4 nuttz

Flight attendant hooked me UP.

Looking forward to coming home to this view and most importantly this doggo.

Go Fly A Kite

Moving is just…sloppy. It’s draining. It’s also a really awful idea to do it at the end of your semester and during a job transition. 
Genius right here. 
I’m still without internet which makes for much less posting. In a way it’s a nice break, but it’s also very inconvenient since I have such poor cell service and need internet for work and school. Either way: today I got a lot done around my place and I’m starting to really make it feel like home.
Went to start my kettle for the aeropress and discovered my pilot light was out. My place is still too hectic to feel comfortable having maintenance come up and fix it, so I got dressed up rull cute, slapped on some uneven liquid liner, and waddled my sleepy ass around the corner to a hipster cafe I hadn’t tried before. I got the malted iced coffee and described the taste as “tangy dick.” It’s fucking horrible and $4?! It was a massive mistake yet the place had lots of people. Not the place for me. 



I switched it up from sleep waddling to angry hustling and plowed into the nearest gas station for their crap coffee to get the other taste out. In a way I’m grateful that my nearby cafes are so awful, because it means I won’t go out for coffee often at all. Plus I can more easily justify buying new beans or grinders or brewing methods. TIGHT. 
I don’t like wearing black but thought this dress seemed comfy. I got multiple compliments on it, which surprised me, but maybe it’s just me who doesn’t like black clothing. 

Detail shot for the kites!



“IT HAS POCKETS!”

Dress is City Chic super clearance from this past winter, belt is ASOS from a few years ago, flats are from Payless. 
Do you avoid any color in your wardrobe?

Ups, Downs, and Weekends

I had a crazy busy weekend and have been so excited to blog about it.
On Friday I got more stuff moved into my new place, did a TON of adulting (bank, DMV, post office, city hall), then saw Pop Star with my friend (I’ve loved The Lonely Island since the days of their weird shorts) followed by a burrito fest.



Saturday my niece performed at a Scottish festival, and I got to see lots of family and friends. We were the loudest group in the park and tried desperately to make s’mores by lighting vegan marshmallows on fire with matches.


Yesterday (the post had issues so I had to post a day late) I got some coding done at a cafe, then grabbed sushi with my friend.


We walked around a bit and I posed near a tourist trap picture place.


We also went to look at some boats n shit.


HEY TORRID LET ME BE UR NEXT MODEL

Clothing included in this post:

Top dress: Effie’s Heart via Gwynnie Bee/ModCloth/swap group

Orange dress: Torrid

Orange floral dress: ModCloth

Brown sandals: SaltWater Sandals via ModCloth

Sunglasses: Dollar Tree

 

What fabulous weekend activities are you most looking forward to now that summer is approaching?

Nothing but Flowers

This post is mostly to show y’all that I got dressed~! I had a couple of errands to run today so I tossed on a favorite eShakti dress, an old navy belt, a big hair flower, my favorite vintage floral purse, and my Swedish Hasbeens. 


Which broke while walking. 


My squinty pout. WHY, SWEDES?!

You can see the outline of my unicorn phone case here. 
I have a BIG BIG day tomorrow and am going to do my best to document it. Get. Ready. Until then, here are a couple more shots of me looking presentable, because who knows the next time that’ll be?


Standing next to the heirloom tomatoes I’ve started growing. Purple tomatillos, anyone?!
Have you had this type of shoe problem before? 

I Love A Good Parade

It’s been a while. 

Moving/job stuff/~LIFE~ really knocked me out, and I’ve been feeling pretty detached from social media. 

It’s also hard when you barely change out of lounge pants, or when you do, you’re just running out for a quick errand and don’t have anything to say or anyone to photograph your outfit. 
But today? Today there was a parade. And I love me a good parade. 
Memorial Day has roots in giving proper thanks to the union soldiers who sacrificed themselves for my heritage – and that’s how I treat this day, since I’d hate to think that how things are today is what all fallen soldiers were dying for (let’s be real).
I was feelin’ frumpy but wore my airplane dress, a hair flower, some sandals, and borrowed my madre’s red Ray-Bans. You’ll see my face is too big but oh well. 

Plane dress because Air Force, get it?! ✈️


And yes that’s a Captain America in the background. 

Back at my madre’s I ran under the sprinkler for a while before getting some weaving done. 


Turns out my dog is hella obsessed with watermelon, and is super gentle in grabbing the pieces. 

So much watermelon. So much vegan soul food and BBQ. I’ve been ready for bed since 8.
I had a great day and am definitely feeling more human. I have a crazy week ahead but be expecting more updates again. 
How did you spend your Memorial Day?

Flower Show Fail

This weekend was heavily focused on plants – Saturday I attended an invasive species event (aquatic invasives WOO), and today I went to a garden/flower show with my mother. We walked around some and looked at plants, but it was a really weird set up and venue. There was this food/wine area, however, and you paid a few dollars and got a bunch of samples.

 

I got my money’s worth as far as a strong buzz. I tried the most horrendous mead I’ve ever been exposed to, and I tried a few pale ales that I want to track down. The best, however, was this blueberry hard apple cider that’s from New England and is just amazing. I will absolutely be picking up a bottle, and hope to share it with others during a picnic this summer. It was amazing and I went back for a second cup.

The gorgeous hard ciders! Alison of Clothes Hog needs to come visit and try these! We can both be bright red and sweaty and in little pool donuts!

Double fisting like the classy (sweaty) broad I am.

We were laughing way too hard.

Dang squint face. Also, bless my mother, but I am a bit bummed I don’t have the entire outfit here. All is well – you can see my gardener’s basket of gorgeous heirloom tomato babies.

I decided to include this one because it was HILARIOUS. My mother and I were in tears laughing from our bizarre, fabulous day. This was right before we left – this woman was having a rowdy time in the bathroom and my mom and I had pleasant buzzes and, well, it’s the hardest we’ve laughed in quite a while.

Naturally the only thing I photographed were the goats. And, of course, I got the goat butts in the picture.

 

I’m glad I went out and tried new things. I’m glad I was social and, honestly, I had such a great weekend. May is turning out to be quite a fabulous month for me.

 

What events are you looking forward to?

Awesome Adventures in Aunthood

I have a kickass niece. She’s curious, she’s hilarious, she’s super weird, and she takes after me in the sass department. She had a day off from school so I swept in and we had an awesome day of beach, pedicures, and shopping.

Quick thrift stop before SANDWICHES!

how cute do my veggies look tho.

beautiful day!

waddlin’

We skipped rocks for a while.

BEACH ART

My creation wasn’t as cool as hers…

I’d been craving a gold pedicure and am quite pleased with my choice.

Quick Forever21 stop. THEY HAD A HOT PINK SKIRT I HAVE BEEN WANTING ONE FOR AGES OMG

Pretty guava maxi dress that is actually long on my 6′ bod. Also, this is a 3x and I am a 24-26. My hip measurement is quite large but the dress was super comfortable and not overly clingy. I’m happy!

SAD DAY FOR THIS TOO-SMALL SKIRT. Total inconsistency with their sizing, as I have other 3x skirts that fit perfectly. This felt like a 1x, no joke.

She’s super into photobombing – can you tell?!

LORD

Sweaty and left with neither. Might go back for the guava number. Also, my dress strap broke in the car, hence my cardigan.

Okay these purses are from the children’s section at H&M but HOW GOOD ARE THEY OMG.

Escalator marathon.

PHOTOBOOTH! Her idea. I’m actually really happy she suggested it.

Scopin’ our toesies while we wait for our jamocha shake.

 

I had the best time and I love, LOVE being a Tia. Can’t wait for more beach dates with this chickyboo!

 

What little adventures are you looking forward to this summer?

Closet Challenge: Shit I Don’t Wear

Months ago I got this incredible score from City Chic when they had a LivingSocial deal and then an amazing 50% off clearance. CC is one of my favorite brands and when they have sales I really come alive. 
I had been lusting over this dress, the Miss Sicily dress, since I’d first seen it. Then it was clearanced and double clearanced and I had an assload of money on that LS gift card that wound up being free, so I went for it. 


I’ve never worn it. See, it has really wonky boning in the bust and weird layered lining. It’s not the best cut on me. I’m going through clothing to sell so I’m making myself wear stuff I’m refusing to get rid of and it was this dress’s turn. 


I am so glad I’m giving it a shot! The print is fabulous and I love how it looks paired with this cardigan and belt. It has enough color variation that I shouldn’t struggle with finding other cardigans and belts for it. The cleavage piece makes it slightly tricky to wear for work, but I can just pull it up. 



Dress: City Chic Online

Cardigan: Merona via eBay 

Belt: from a ModCloth dress 

Shoes: Target



What neglected closet items are you giving a second chance?

Pug Wrasslin’ and an Orange Dress

How have I only just restarted a blog and already slipped up with postings? I am environmentally sensitive and have been in a funk due to it being really gray and gloomy and very Pacific Northwest. I can handle it but not when it’s supposed to be sunny and happy. I like to sit outside in my fatkini and read and sip giant iced coffees and watch my dog lie like a frog. It’s out spring summer thing.  
Anyway, lost my mojo but only for a few days. Also lost my job but that’s not a story to be shared publicly (insufficient funding – nonprofit life is FUN). 


Today I welcomed a gig of dog sitting because there can never be too many furry fart sacs sprawled across me while I sleep. This hunk is an old pug with sight and hearing impairments and I’m just so in love. 
So I threw on a dress so bright and fun that it drew the sun out from hiding (or at least felt that way to me and my internal sun) and have been having a really relaxing, refreshing time. 


Dress: Torrid (part of an upcoming haul – GET READY)

Belt: Old Navy Plus clearance

Earrings: Walmart? No idea. Maybe eBay?


How you get through gloomy patches in weather?