I’ve done the whole resolution thing where I’ve come up with unobtainable goals and start a fresh year off with immense, unnecessary pressure when I’m already balls-deep into my spiral of self loathing-fueled seasonal depression. I’ve resented that whole process, brushed it off as being a marketing move with a combination of gyms, athletic clothing companies, diet systems, etc. The whole thought of making you hate yourself enough to try and become something new, but reserving this renewal process to a roman calendar year…It’s. just. a lot.
Last year I had a brutal breakup right before the new year, so after the tears couldn’t further stream, I decided to create a list of things I wanted to achieve before settling down with someone – things I wanted to do, for me, for my identity and figuring myself out and becoming a complete person independently before trying to build something with someone new. I lasted a few weeks into January before I met someone else.
If you’ve followed me on various media outlets, you know how that panned out. And if you’re new, then just know: that shit didn’t stick. At all.
This year has been incredibly difficult for me, but has also allowed me opportunities and the support needed to do something I never used to do: reflect. This year had pauses for me, chances to think through why something happened instead of making it all about how awful I am and how unworthy I am of love, respect, success, and health. So while I ache thinking about the pain of 2016, I don’t feel helpless. Instead I feel ready.
(CW: lots of stock photos)
This post is to serve as a place to share some of what is inspiring and exciting me for the new year. I’m a superstitious lil femme though so I’ll omit some, but I appreciate honesty and transparency and hope to provide that for folks who take the time to read what I share.
I’ll be completing a milestone achievement academically later on in 2017, and have been considering going on to a higher degree. But I think I’ll try to live in the present, and feel what it’s like to have successfully completed something after a decade of fighting and sacrificing and struggling.
*So, for 2017, I am not looking to begin a higher degree program. In 2017 I will sit with my success and allow it to speak for itself. Because fuck the idea that I can never be okay exactly as I am – I have done enough. Others can get on board or suck my nards.
*I will get a full-time, well benefited and paying job in my field. Mama deserves some insurance and PTO, hohhhhney chile.
*I will move to a geographical area conducive to success in my field. I’ve tried making it work here for quite some time. The heartbreaks especially from 2016 have provided me an easy, justifiable out from here. Bring it on, world.
*I will begin modeling/fashion work. This has been a dream, so this year I want to begin working with other bloggers and companies and carving out space in the plus sized world and external world.
Tease all you want about this, but I think *I’m going to try to meet people from MeetUp instead of dating or hookup apps. I have had an OKCupid account for…too long, and really, it’s not for me. I am an acquired taste. I am A LOT. I am absolutely not for everyone, and found myself changing and adapting and losing myself because of the various forms of feedback received from dating websites.
And before you shit on my OKC drop, just know I’ve tried them all. I’ve tried generic dating ones, paid dating ones, plus sized ones, etc. It’s not cute.
*I’m going to downsize my wardrobe tremendously, and start dressing how I’ve always wanted. I have an upcoming post on fashion feels, but just know it’s going to be really fucking fabulous and really, really not for everyone. SEE A THEEEEME?
*Imma blog more, as well as start a YouTube channel. Things I’ve wanted to do but have put off for myriad reasons. Well, it’s gon change real soon because I
have shit to say want to see if others are like me, from my hair to my ethnicity to my style, etc. When I started gaining more followers on social media, I got overwhelmed and then focused in on ways to continue gaining followers – instead of sticking to posting what I wanted. Don’t read into that, in no way is it dramatic or the end of the world – but I realized that when I started hesitating about posts because I was worried about community feedback, I realized it was no longer about my own enjoyment but rather about falling within systematic guidelines. I enjoy what I post and I adore those whom I’ve met through what I do, but it’s time to be more authentic, and I’m hyped.
*Delete a fuckload of Facebook “friends.” No shade. But I have some ~issues~ and struggle with communicating with others, especially if we aren’t super well acquainted and especially if we’ve only ever communicated online. I’m going to do some self-care and set boundaries for myself, and really focus on making a space for those who support my health instead of fight it. We can interact plenty of other spaces where I can maintain healthy interaction boundaries and don’t have to emotionally exhaust myself.
*Visit more friends; travel solo more. With many loved ones becoming more spread out around the country and the world, I want to prioritize seeing them. Looking at flights and how feasible a weekend visit would be is really comforting. And seeing as there are so many places I’d like to visit that maybe don’t have loved ones there, I want to get back to traveling more by myself. My global adventures have taken a bit of a break but with the transitions ahead, I feel confident I can get back to seeing this remarkable world.
*Be unapologetic. This is significant, and it’s something I’ve been more mindful of and have already started. But this goes for relationships, friendships, work, my creativity, the path my life has taken, my fashion, appearance, my voice and power. The things I love. The way I laugh, the way I talk to people, my excitement, my curiosity, my obsessiveness, my mental health struggles, my intelligence, my sensitivity, my passion, my dedication, my obsessions, my fears. It’s exhausting trying to navigate life hating and resenting yourself, so I’m just going to work on stopping that nonsense. There’s nothing wrong with who I am.
This is what I’ve got so far. There are other little things, like maybe finally upgrading my phone (5+ years WHAT’S UP), losing weight (for ease of travel and vintage clothing options), and sewing way way more, but I wanted to get this out there as a starting point. I think one of the greatest things I’ve come to terms with is how important realistic goals and objectives are, so until I have mapped out ways of achieving these smaller goals, I’ll let them continue to bounce around my brain. These adjustments don’t need to start January 1st though – I’m not in any rush or on a strict timeline, per se. But with the end of the year approaching and the inevitable, unavoidable articles and posts about NEW YEAR NEW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!1!11!!!! I felt comfortable putting this post up and sharing the healthy changes I’m looking to bring to my life, starting as soon as possible.
What are some of your resolutions for 2017?